Aside

Today I want to crawl out of my skin, out of this shell, into the wild

I want to sit under the stars and count each one as they turn on at night

I want to be an imagined figure, out alone, with no distractions, no reason to return

I want to be surrounded by warmth and love , by the earth, only the earth

I have a restlessness inside me I cant seem to settle

No matter how far I go, or if I return home

No matter who I meet, who I lay next too

It is a restlessness I both hope and fear wont go away

So I will sit and listen, wait and watch

Follow my heart until I can no longer count the stars

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Aside

I am sitting in this hammock, watching the sun rise. I am alone, surrounded by mist, of a rising light just above the mountains. I take a deep breath – yet nothing, no sound, no noise, the air is still. I smile to myself as I wrap my body in my blanket – warm, safe, secure. There are flashes of the night before, of laughter, of smiles, of games played.

Of a beautiful man looking at me with brown eyes, beckoning and playful. I fall for them. I follow them into the jungle. We stand underneath the stars, his tall, lean, darkened figure illuminated by the moon. I have never seen anyone so beautiful and I am mesmerized by him. We stand together like this for a moment. There is no sound between us, yet we move together, as if in a slow dance. He holds me, he breathes me in, he takes me, wraps himself around me. The skies open and it starts to rain but we don’t stop, we go with the rhythm of each drop as it sits everything around us – like a soft pounding of a drum, music only we can hear. It hits each leaf, each pebble, each tree, each seed which has yet to sprout.

The sun is rising now with my memory of the night before – and I smile.

 

Aside

I am of two people. Always. I am always seeking adventure, of new places, of new experiences, of travel that challenges me, of beautiful places, of beautiful people, of common places – where people have called home.

Where I come through yet leave changed, a different person.

I am this person who watches sunrises and sunsets on different shores, who sleeps under the stars, who wakes on couches. I am this person who meets others and take a journey with them – even if its for only a couple of hours – they change me also, I am different because of each one.

I am this person who never wants to stop exploring, embracing and going with the wind.

I am also this other person – made up of memories of home. Home where love lives – where I know I will settle. I am this person who is surrounded by friends, family, who has success, who loves the sun, the beach, the freedom that comes with knowing who I am and certain in my home.

I am always choosing between the two and I feel I always will

The Board

I’m sitting here, sitting on this sand. Feeling each grain in my hands, blood sand, I always seem to find it everywhere. I smirk as I remember running my hands through my hair the other day and found these individual grains intertwined within my hair – blood sand. It is mid afternoon, I can’t really tell where I am but I know I feel happy. Happy near the ocean, my beloved board next to me. Now let me tell you about my board. I know it may sound strange to talk about a board but well its become part of me now. I’ve ridden a couple of different boards before – I remember my very first. It was huge, foam, three times the size of me . I remember lying on that thing in the middle of the ocean and feeling connected instantly. I remember sitting on that board, amongst others in the sun, the water clear and blue, reflecting the beautiful sun’s rays. I remember taking a deep breath and looking around, and we individuals were all connected, on different sizes of boards, but connected. I remember sitting there, knowing and feeling that my life was about to change. That’s all I needed, to be able to sit and realize in that moment my life would never be the same again. I outgrew that board thought and found myself trying out different sizes, shapes, colours, all because I was changing, I was catching better waves, felt a little less scared with each paddle out. I didn’t always catch all those waves, at times it was frustrating, making me question my own abilities and at times making me want to give up but it only took one wave on my board that would change my mind again.

So this is where I am now, sitting on the sand. I have a little board now that I’ve been travelling with and we’ve been on some great adventures. My first ride with my board I was really unsure. Its sleek shape, lightness and heightmade me question my current abilities. I remember thinking ‘ Wow, this is going to be hard’ But as soon as I paddled out, I knew it would keep me safe, keep me balanced and would also be with me when I caught or failed the next wave. So I am sitting on the sand, next to my beloeved board, I’ve already had my morning session, no barrels but doing drops and beginning to turn. I look around – some people are starting to paddle out for the afternoon set. I feel the sun on my now darkened skin. I run my hands over my board, lightly touching the dents I’ve already created , remembering and smiling to myself how each dent was made, a mark, an etch to remind me of where I;ve been and what risks I took. I stand up and look around – I always seem to misplace my rashie – but I find it hidden under the sand – bloody sand. I shake it off and put it on – a second skin. I retie my hair , already matted and dry from being in the water – its turning gold now. I pick up my board and strap my leash on. I like that feeling – safe, secure, around my ankle, an extension of who I am. I take a deep breath and look up towards the heavens – the skky is clear, I take a moment to think of all the places I’ve been, people I’ve met, feel an inner peace and gratitude for my life. I feel the sun again, beckoning me to comply and play. I look towards the horizon, beyond the sea, as if I’m trying to reach the ends of the world, of this earth. It’s become a ritual now I realise as I start to run towards the ocean.

I begin to paddle, not a far paddle, but I feel each stroke, my beloved board underneath me, carrying me to where I feel most at peace and balanced. I feel the water all around me, through me, always healing , life giving. I smile  again. I reach the line up and give a little nod to the few who’ve come out. I sit on my board and look around. Peace, out here in there water, there is peace. We sit quietly and I feel the vibrations of the world, of life through the air, I feel the sun again, illuminating the horizon, lighting up the ocean like fireworks on a dark night. In this moment I feel truly blessed. Then I feel it, a surge and my trance is broken. The waves are coming. I feel an excitment in my stomach. I paddle out first. I spin my board around and I it behind me, the rush. The pulsating rise of mother nature lifting me and I smile, I can tell its going to be a big one and I ready myself – my mind is blank and in that instance I become nothing and something all at once. I am connected to  my body, my insides matching my outsides. I take the warrior stance. I smile..but then..the surge pushes me too fast and with a furious push I fall and I am tumbling. I feel my board slip from me, the tug of the leash but this time its different. I am trembling, whirling, caught and my leash is tangled around my other leg. I keep tumbling – in my head I think ‘ Don’t panic – just let it throw you around, just hold your breathe and it will be ok’ . In what feels like an eternity I think of these thoughts, just to hold on, to let the leash where it lay, but with each pull I felt it tighter on me, almost drowning me, so I stop pulling on my leg. I think in this moment of my board – of the dents, of how less then a couple of hours ago I was running my hands over it , smiling, remembering. I feel the leash tug me under more and in that instance I begin to remember all the memories I created with my board, I am holding my breath yet I never felt so full of life.

Then suddenly, nothing. I stop tumbling, I feel the leash loosen and my leg free, I take the chance and swim up towards that nourishing sunlight and finally open my eyes and take a deep breath. I look around and snap back to reality – i instinctively tug on my leash and my board returns, not broken but with dents. I catch a wave to shore.

I am back on the sand now – I stop and look around. No one seems to notice my ordeal but I am breathless and still blank. I look to the sky – nothing. I look to the horizon, nothing. I close my eyes and my mind reconnects to me again. I feel the sand under my feet again, bloody sand. I look at my board and I realise I’m still attached to that leash. Something that’s so helpful, supportive and safe almost drowned me, yet it still kept me with my beloved board. I touch the leash, it feels different somehow, it feels stratched out, almost broken. I feel the cuff, it doesnt look like it will fit me anymore. It will have a different memory for me now. I am conflicted – i Look out into the horizon again. Should I cut it off in case it does it again, or do I give it another chance. I sit down again – if I had a knife would I have cut it? Without hesitation I know that I would have cut it off because it was drowning me.

I smile at this thought and start to feel the sun again, the life, my board.

Aside

Its in the silences where things are said

Where the fine line of live or let go are read

The life that was will never come again

The life that would have been now just in pain

How could something so bright, intense and new

Suddenly darken in a day or two

Its forcing and pulling me against the flow

To a path uncertain, to a person I don’t know

I’ll let myself think of him once a day

For an hour that’s all until his memory fades

What was the purpose even for a short time

What was his role in this life of mine

Was it to show me that there could be hope

For pleasure, for love, to no longer feel alone

Was it to show me back to a path

That nourishes my soul, to remind me of my life before it was broken

I have faith that the universe will help me again

To start to heal a broken heart that was never on the mend

 

New Moon

 

Sitting in this quiet tent, surrounded by the sea

Feeling life’s vibrations, filling all of me

In the silence I think of a life gone away

Of a present that I’m missing with each passing day

Where the ocean meets the sand, it washes things clean

Where I hope to find a different, better me

My thoughts are calming, balancing once more

My heart is singing as the winds hit the shore

Trust in your heart, my soul speaks and yells and shouts

Follow your bliss and forget about

A life that once was or that may be

Live in the now, in solitude, be free

Listen to the call of the earth

Listen to the wind , the rains

Watch the sun as it glistens

Watch the moon as it wanes

Feel the coolness of the darkness night

The warmth of the day

Look to the heavens and watch the stars shine, watch them dance

It is these moments that are fleeting, if your heart is not here

The love that you want becomes the greatest fear

The love that you seek is already around

Look up! Open your eyes and hear the sound

Your heart will not lead you astray

For life goes on, even on rainy days

The Lake

 

I looked upon you with worry and doubt
but as soon as I saw you, you washed it all away
You took my breath and made my heart pound
You bought tears to my eyes and my very being cried out
‘You are home’
I watch you glisten, shine and shimmer under the clear sky
As you reflect it back into the world
And I watch as you sit calmly under the moonlight, a seamingless, endless glass floor
People glide over you and you accept them with each stroke
I wonder what lies beneath and I long to uncover this
You have bought me peace